Deep Dive with Dr D
Discussions on life and living with Dr D. A man who has risen from the lowest depths of life to the amazing life he has now.
Deep Dive with Dr D
Your Kids Are Watching
What legacy are we leaving for our children? In this deeply personal episode, I open up about my chaotic childhood marked by neglect, abuse, and a revolving door of father figures – sharing the picture of myself as a small boy that now sits in my empty guest chair. Drawing from my experiences as both a victim of generational trauma and someone who's worked to break those cycles, I explore how our earliest experiences shape our approaches to parenting and relationships.
Children are always watching, always absorbing. They become mirrors reflecting what we show them through our actions and responses. The painful truth is that patterns of dysfunction repeat themselves unless we consciously intervene. Through my journey of addiction, failed relationships, and ultimately healing, I've discovered that transformation is possible at any stage of life.
This conversation isn't about shame or blame but about possibility. No child dreams of becoming a poor parent – these patterns emerge from adaptations to our own childhood circumstances. By extending compassion to our inner child while making consistent, intentional choices for our children, we create ripples that extend far beyond our immediate family.
What are you doing today that your child will thank you for tomorrow? What cycle from your past are you committed to breaking? The work of healing while raising the next generation isn't easy, but it may be the most important work of our lives. Start with something small this week – one meaningful way you can show up more consistently for a child in your life – and watch how these small shifts create powerful change over time.
Welcome everyone. Thanks for tuning in, and today my guest is the empty seat. If you're watching this on YouTube, you see that I have my guest chair here and in this chair is a picture of me as a child. I don't have many because, mom, we move so much that child mementos that a lot of kids have, I don't have many, but I have a handful of pictures, and so in the seat is a picture of me as a boy on a Christmas when I got my Tonka truck, and I remember this Tonka truck well. That's actually how I lost my two front teeth. So that's the title of the show.
Speaker 1:I am going to pull information from my experiences growing up, from my experience being a father and now a grandfather, from my education, from my learning along the way and from my book. If you don't have it yet, grit Over Shame is available wherever you buy books Locally in Ellensburg, at Gerald's and Pearl Street Books, online at geraldcom, amazoncom, available as an e-book through Kindle and Apple Books and Audible, with yours truly narrating on Audible. So I'll pull some information from a chapter that I included that is titled your Kids Are Watching, and I'm going to start with that. If you're a parent of a child. If you're listening to this and you're in your home and your kids are with you, they're always listening. Our kids are always watching, observing and just soaking in like a sponge what we do, right? You hear a lot of people say, oh, that's your son or that's your daughter. Yeah, genetically they are, but also behaviorally they are you. They are a mirror image of what they're seeing you do on a regular basis. And I always say this when you think your kids aren't listening, they are. They're always listening, they're always watching. You're their beacon of hope or despair, right?
Speaker 1:If you follow me, you know that I lived a crazy life as a kid. A lot of trauma, a lot of trauma, a lot of chaos. My siblings and I suffered all the abuse. All of it. It's it's in my book.
Speaker 1:If you read my book, I've written about my personal path and my siblings are okay with me sharing just the the basics that they all suffered abuse, neglect from our. She was there physically most of the time, but emotionally and just being available to us as a mom. No, she was not. My sisters revealed that they suffered abuse at the hands of my mom's first husband, my brother's biological father, hands of my mom's first husband, my brother's biological father. My brother revealed that he suffered abuse from my mom's second husband, my sister and I's biological father.
Speaker 1:And then I you know what's interesting about my path and I've learned this I have blank, literal blank spots of my childhood that I don't remember anything, probably for good reason. I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a man I met on the side of the street as a young boy and we've all and I look at that, I look at my siblings and I. Could that have been prevented? Yeah, 100% it could have been prevented. You know, I cherish my mom's memory. My mom and I had a great relationship in her later years, but raising us kids oh, boy, wow.
Speaker 1:And in situations and in scenarios where that abuse was allowed to happen, we had what I call dads of the week, men that came in and out of our lives on too regular of a basis. I always say our biological fathers were shit, they were garbage. And could mom have chosen to do things differently? The answer is yes, but was she doing the best with what she had? That's what I say. Yeah, but could she have made different choices? Yes. Now I also understand that we were raised in an era where I was going to look this up because I was thinking about this talk today.
Speaker 1:I don't know if there was child services, state child services. We were mostly in the state of Washington. We lived in Oregon for a little bit. It was pretty functional when we lived in Arizona, so there wouldn't have really been a reason for child services to step in. When mom was married to Johnny Alaska yeah, I've heard the stories, that's where I was born, so I don't know Some that know history of child services if they would have stepped in or not, but I never remember them coming to our door. I don't remember that. I was talking to my sister about this recently.
Speaker 1:Each one of us along the way were sent away to live with family or family friends. Judy and Al, who were my mom's family friends and our family friends for years and years and years. I lived with them for a short period of time. Mom would just kind of and I don't, I don't know why right, there was dysfunction was our life. That's what we knew, and so I share that with you to say that I was a kid. Right, I was. I was this guy here and this guy here and kids, you know, we, we just want to be kids, we just want to live our lives and be happy and free, as we should. But our path was not that. It wasn't Um.
Speaker 1:I remember doing these weird things to try to get my mom's attention to really I remember being in a car once and faking having a toothache to try to get my mom, my mom, to pay attention to me and she just it was always like you're fine, she sloughed it off unless it was something really emergent, like in Ocean Shores when I got my head bashed open because my brother and I were playing dodgeball. You know that's the only time we really got mom's attention, but it always. I always, hmm, I always felt like a burden to my mother. I never until later in life, much later, but as a kid, as this little boy growing up, I always felt like a burden to my mom and I think about this and I get a little emotional because that's how I felt and I that was hard growing up and I'm sure I'm certain my siblings felt the same way, and so you know what are the effects and I've got a little script to kind of stay on task share childhood experiences of instability and not being hurt.
Speaker 1:That was normal for us, the only time that we really got what I would call healthy parenting. It depended on the man she married. It was not the case with Jerry. It was not the case with Danny Johnny. For me, I remember him being the healthiest man to come into my mom's life. That's when I remember, when mom would be married, that she would pay attention to us in healthy ways. Other than that, it was a single mom, raising four kids. She worked two and three jobs. How could she so? It was a lot of neglect and just inattention. So, yeah, I I felt like a burden to my mom. I honestly did as a kid growing up. It wasn't until really for a small pocket of time later, when I was 15, 16, cause I moved out when I was 15 and a half that I felt like, oh moms, I was the only right in the house.
Speaker 1:So what happens? Let me just give you some examples of what happens in these kind of scenarios, and I hope that you're not in this scenario and if you are, if you're a parent and this is your behavior, the behavior that my mom had you can turn it around. You can make a choice today to say I'm going to do better, especially if you have small children. Especially if you have small children, you you can turn it around. There's likely already some damage, right, because we I've learned, I got some education and it's been helpful for me to heal my own stuff but also to be a better parent myself and be a better grandfather now to my grandsons.
Speaker 1:But kids, there's clear evidence that a child that doesn't have a strong bond physically and emotionally with at least one parent at a very young age, they have attachment issues for their whole life. And I struggle, I struggle to this day. It's so much better, but I struggle with trust, with having whole relationships right, like I've got people that are watching this that know me. They'll probably nod their head that there's kind of a wall up with David. You got to get to know him and that stems from childhood friends. Have I learned and have I adapted and is it better? Yeah, but so if you're a parent and you have a young child, please, please, be there for them, please do the work on yourself so you can be a better parent to that child who is remember the beginning of this watching you, observing your every behavior, craving your attention. One of my notes here to talk about is discuss how this shaped your sense of worth and decisions later in life. Oh boy, I was thinking about this this morning.
Speaker 1:Um, my siblings and I have all struggled in intimate relationships. No surprise, what were we modeled as kids? We I I term it dads of the week. You know, mom would bring home different men in and out of our lives Rapid fire. I repeated that as an adult, right, and so my son saw that. I remember when I left my second marriage and Tyler was, he was young and Tyler was, he was young. I think he says he still remembers this that I never wanted to repeat the same thing that I saw with my mom for my son to see. So my second marriage, when I ended that, I remember I had gotten an apartment in Tacoma and I just wept.
Speaker 1:He's eight years old, right, I think he was eight. Yeah, it was 98, 99. You know he, he didn't, he didn't need that from the adult in the room. Some might say, well, it's good that you were being real with him and all that, but he was eight. I was repeating what my mom did. I don't remember my mom doing that with us necessarily. Maybe she did it with my brother because he was older, but I was repeating those same things that my mom modeled for us.
Speaker 1:I know my siblings have struggled in relationships. This repeats itself. Friends. It's not magic, it's not rocket science, right? If a child is modeled dysfunction, they're going to repeat that into their childhood, teen years, adulthood, unless there's some type of intervention. So it for sure my upbringing shaped my life in a lot of ways, life in a lot of ways. When mom oh man, when mom I was just chatting with a friend who's reading my book Katie, if you're on and I was talking about you know how it felt. It was just weird. And then I just gave up.
Speaker 1:When Johnny died, my mom's I don't know fourth husband, when Johnny died, my mom jumped right into another committed, serious relationship. Less than six months after that and here I'm going to add some flavor to this it was my uncle. I was 14. Was I 14, 13? I was like, ah, I'm done Right, because we I was not the focus Mom. I never felt like us kids were the priority for my mom. What I always felt is it was the men, her getting the next man. I know what my mom wanted Like. I learned this later in life. She always wanted a healthy relationship. She was chasing that dream, but her picker was broken and guess what happened for me? My picker for a long time was broken. Right, we attract what we have inside. That's kind of what we attract. So the the ripple effect how childhood trauma shows up later relationships.
Speaker 1:I've had a lot of struggles with relationships over the years and it wasn't until here's the effects. Friends, I'm 58 years old and my marriage now to Katrina, this is it. I'm done. She's got me for life. I know that in my soul and heart she's the first one. She's the first one. This is marriage number four. That that has been the case for me, because it took me a lot of learning, a lot of counseling, a lot of insight into me. Like, oh my gosh, it was a lot.
Speaker 1:It took decades to reverse the effect of what I was shown as a child. Some people say, well, you're an adult now you need to just make different choices. You know what? You got to look a little deeper, friends, you got to look a little deeper. You got to look a little deeper. And addiction, of course, for me, when mom, when Johnny died and what I was modeled is mom, you know jumping into another relationship, which was par for the course, but the added flavor of marrying Uncle Tom. I was like, oh my God, I was done. I was craving my mom's attention. My mom's guidance Didn't get that. And now I'm a teenager and I get this new stepbrother moved in who had already kind of said fuck it to. You know, being a good kid, I grabbed onto him. That's when it started. That's when my path down life changed and I grabbed onto addiction. That's when it started. That's when my path down life changed and I grabbed onto addiction. That's what happened, right, environmentally.
Speaker 1:It was chaos for me in my brain, in my 12-year-old brain, losing a dad that I really cared about. There was no time we had a funeral. I remember the funeral, we had a funeral. I remember the funeral, but I never remember mom sitting down with me and helping me process that and maybe offering counseling or anything. So what's a kid to do? You know, I latched on to Kenny, who was already when he moved in with us. He was already skipping school, smoking cigarettes, drinking smoking pot, all right.
Speaker 1:And you know what's funny if I don't ever, I remember it was about a year and a half later that I caught my mom smoking pot. Yeah, I was kind of funny because you know, don't smoke pot kids, but I caught my mom smoking pot and here's what she said. I'll never forget it. She said don't you tell your dad or Uncle Tom, right, because she always wanted us to call him dad. Whoever, whatever man she brought into her life, she's like call him dad, it'll make him feel good. So I don't know if I was or not, but all she was worried about is just don't tell your dad. I'm like, okay, that was a green light for me. You don't tell him, I won't tell him I smoke pot, you smoke pot, right, and drinking smoking cigarettes was par for the course. So this is how it shows up in adulthood.
Speaker 1:I go into adulthood and just the basics, friends, the basics of sitting down and having a conversation with your kid about the birds and the bees, finances, life skills. The only way I learned that was through trial and error. Right, going into adulthood, finances alone, whoo, right, and I say this my, my mom. This is one of those taboos in a lot of families talking about finances, sex. And there's one other parenting. There's a lot of issues surrounding parenting, especially in blended families, but I never remember mom sitting down with me or any of the dads of the week and having conversations about how to balance a checkbook. Why would she? She didn't know herself. So I give my mom that grace.
Speaker 1:But if you're a parent in the room, the message I want to send you because this might be a lot hard to hear, especially if you have some of these behaviors you can flip the script. You can make a decision today to start flipping the script. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it take time? Yes. Will it take trial and error? Yes, but man, do something, ask for help. Your child is depending on you. Right, the adult in the room to do better.
Speaker 1:I've had to take honest looks at myself. Right, I say overall, my son's 35. You know, in his younger years I wasn't. I wasn't, uh, when he was a toddler, hmm. And even in later years I was. I was the really strict, hardline dad. I probably needed to find a middle ground. But what my fear was based on my own childhood. I didn't want that for my son. So I took a really hard stance like, oh God, right, I think I'm now 58 years old, ready for this. 58 years old, I think in the last decade, yeah, I've really come into being a really good dad this is my view. My son might say, no, you've been better, or whatever but also being a really, really good grandparent. I'm 58 years old and I believe really a lot of that has come to fruition in the last decade. So let's look at the decades prior. I wasn't the best. I was repeating those same things that I learned from my mom. So that's the ripple effect. Oh, it says share moments when you recognize your upbringing's impact.
Speaker 1:Relationships Like just my. I used to be really codependent. I know my mom was really codependent in relationships, not just intimate relationships, but I really had a lot of insecurities surrounding friendships and relationships. I've done a lot of work in this area and now I'm actually alone. Daisy and Johnny or Katrina has been gone overnight. I actually enjoy my alone time now and you ready for for this, that's been in the last 20 years that I've learned to reverse right those effects of what happened in my childhood, because trust now, feeling secure in relationships, no, that's not what I was shown right.
Speaker 1:So let's shift into what kids need. Okay, practical lessons for parents. So here we go, and this is something that I believe these to be true as I'm glancing at the things I'm going to talk about. You don't have to be perfect no, no, human is perfect. But you need to be consistent. You need to be present. I think I talked about this earlier. My mom, physically, was present when she was home, but mentally, was she, emotionally available? No, she just wasn't Right. So be consistent. Make it a goal to say you know what, once or twice a week, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to talk to my child and I'm just going to be open to listening to what they have to say.
Speaker 1:Because the next one is listen more than you lecture. See, that's what I was at fault and sometimes I've really adapted in this and my son's an adult he's 35, but with my grandsons I can catch myself wanting to lecture. You know what. You know what kids want a lot is someone who will listen without judgment. You want to have that trust-based relationship with your child that they can come to you with hard stuff, with things that you might go. Oh God, I can't believe that. You know whoa, be that ear right and ask, and some parents will go no, that's garbage. Ask them. Would you like some advice? Would you like some feedback? Try that. Try listening more than lecturing. Try being that place where your child can feel comfortable coming and talking to you.
Speaker 1:The next bullet is validate feelings even if you don't understand them. See, if I think about my life as a whole, and especially as a child, it was not okay to have feelings. It just wasn't. You know, some say it was a generational thing, but if I look at my life during the you know I'm Gen X, late 60s. I was born in 67, raised in the 70s and then mid-80s, right, there was that kind of. You know, if you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about.
Speaker 1:I don't think that was normal in every family. It was normal in our family, not necessarily because I don't think mom didn't want us to have feelings. She didn't have time for it. Time for it. She didn't have the space in her own brain to deal with four kids who are having a variety of different feelings, because she had her own chaos of her own life. Right, could she have done different? Yes, yeah, I know she had family support. I've talked to grandparents who have now passed on. I've talked to her twin brother. I know her other family. They've they tried helping along the way. So could she have done different? Yeah, did she? No, did it have a negative effect on us as kids? Yeah, huge. So if you're a parent now, right Again, do these things on purpose.
Speaker 1:Make it your goal to allow your kids to feel Katrina if you're listening to this for the first time, my wife owns a preschool and that's some of the best work. I just love seeing her do this with the kids. She allows them to feel. She doesn't shut them down. She doesn't say don't feel that way, feel that later. She allows them to have feelings. You know, my printer decides every time I'm recording a podcast that it needs to go through its little maintenance thing, and it's really annoying. So there you go. Enjoy the noise of the printer. Protect their. Oh boy, here we go. Protect their and listen to this one carefully friends. Protect their innocence. Don't put adult burdens on them. They're kids.
Speaker 1:My brother, who will always be my hero he's six years older than me. Here's the position he was put in as a kid. He was told you have to take care of your siblings. I'm going to work right and some of that, I think, is okay. Some of that is great, but some of that is not right, like he was my father figure in a lot of ways, because either the dad of the week left or the dad of the week was garbage, or just mom was choosing to be single in that moment in time. And I know my brother was put in scenarios to make decisions that he wasn't capable of making as a kid. And I see this one, and some might get upset at this, but I see some parents wrap their stuff, their stuff, into their kids. This is kind of a sidebar, but I see some parents look oh, my child's my everything, they're my world, they're my best friend. You know what your child needs you to be their parent, you to not think about that. If a child's hearing you say you're their everything, that's a pretty heavy weight, pretty heavy burden to put on a child. So protect their innocence, don't put those adult burdens on them. We're almost done with this one Breaking the cycle, and I've said this a couple of times you can.
Speaker 1:I'm proud of myself. I'm so proud of myself that I've done the work to break generational cycles of addiction and dysfunction. Right. I'm a better dad and I'm a better grandfather than I was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago. My son is a better dad and I'm a better grandfather than I was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago. My son is a better dad today than he was 10 years ago. Anthony's 15, so 15 years ago. Right, because he's done improvement. And I'm a better grandfather than I was 10 years ago. Right, because he and I make diligent efforts to make that constant improvement, right? So is it perfect? No, am I the best dad and grandpa in the world? Am I all healthy all the time and am I all great? No, but do I have that constant willingness to reflect and learn? Yes, does my son? Yes, so do that for yourself. Go to counseling, read a book on parenting. My whole undergraduate and graduate degrees on purpose, I picked family studies. Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how much learning about family systems was powerful in me doing the work I needed to do to be a better family member. So do those things for yourself. And here we go.
Speaker 1:I'm a hope dealer, right, I like to give hope. Things can be different. You know my past. Someone challenged me on this recently, so if she's listening, she might say oh, you're talking about your past. My past has helped. I have looked into my past to change my todays and tomorrows. I do my best on a pretty regular basis to not judge myself on past decisions. I want you to do that for yourself. The past doesn't have to define the future. It does not. You can make a conscious decision to do things different, starting today and into your tomorrows. Your past does not have to define your future. Into your tomorrows. Your past does not have to define your future. I want you to remember yourself. I do this when I give talks.
Speaker 1:I say this no child, no child ever grows up thinking you know, one day, one day, I want to be a shitty parent. Kids don't think that. No child ever grows up. No baby, my cute little baby picture. No baby is ever thinking anywhere in their brain as they go into toddlerhood or preschoolers. I've never once my wife has had a preschool for going into her fifth year. I've never once heard any of our preschoolers say one day I want to grow up and be a drug addict. It's not how it happens, right. So remember to be kind to your inner child. That's the best work I've done. I actually have a book that it's on the inner child. The last pages of this very short book says it's not your fault. It's not your fault, and I've wept over the little boy in David who, yeah, didn't get dealt a great hand as a kid. But you know what? I've been able to access resources to reverse the cycles of dysfunction and addiction in my family, and you can do the same for yourself. So just a question or two to ponder for yourself as I close this up what are you doing today that your child will thank you for tomorrow? Tomorrow, meaning when they're a parent, when they have their first child and they're raising their child? What will they go? Man, I really appreciate that my mom or my dad, or both, did these things for me so that I can now do them for my child.
Speaker 1:When you think back on your own childhood, what's one thing you wish an adult had done differently for you? I'm thinking right now about Ken File. He's a man who lives in Ellensburg and I've known Ken for over 20 years. I wish I would have had a Ken File when I was a child, because Ken Ken has been like a dad to me. He's done these things that I've talked about. He's listened and not judged. He's given me counsel and advice and, along the way that has felt made me feel like I can trust him. He's. He's always been there, right. So think about that for your own childhood. What's one thing you wish an adult had done differently for you? And then do that for your child. Do that for a kid that you know that doesn't have a dad or a mom. Mentoring's huge for me. My entire goal in life right now is to help people see that they have it within them to do amazing things, and I do that for all age groups, but man especially, especially young people.
Speaker 1:My grandson. If you call him and you say who are you grandson, he'll say I'm smart, kind and strong. That's how I start a lot of conversations with my grandson, especially if he's gotten in some trouble and his dad has said, hey, will you talk to Anthony? Or if I've asked Tyler hey, can I talk to Anthony about this I usually always start it with who are you Smart, kind and strong? That's who you are grandson. You're not this behavior. That's who you are grandson. You're not this behavior. That's a blip in your road. You are smart, kind and strong.
Speaker 1:How do you respond when your child expresses emotions you don't understand? Do you get mad? Do you tell them those emotions aren't real or that's not valid. Are you dismissive of them? Ooh, I'd caution you on that. What cycle from your past are you committed to breaking for your children? And I think for me it's been. I have said over the years my most important role in life is being a father, and when I say that, what I mean is being present, being consistent, tyler knowing that his dad's going to be there no matter what, and now, as a grandfather for Anthony and Alaric that their grandpa's going to be there no matter what. Think about that for yourself.
Speaker 1:And the last one what's one small but meaningful way you can show up more consistently for a child in your life? This week, there's your challenge. What can you do? What can you shift? Something small that's how you get to big goals. Friends. You start small.
Speaker 1:This might have been an overwhelming talk to listen to. For my friends out there who have lived a childhood like mine and maybe you're repeating some of those behaviors as a parent or as a partner in a relationship. This might be a lot. So here's what I want you to do Take a step back and and maybe just say you know what?
Speaker 1:This week I'm going to show up more consistently. In this way. I'm going to make sure I'm up in the morning when my child gets up or before they are right and I can be present for them. And it doesn't have to mean you have to sit down and be this guru. Maybe it's just being there, right? I always like to leave this with hope, and so that's what I'm going to do and then that's going to be it. You can make a change, you can do that. Start this week and say you know what. I'm going to start suiting up and showing up differently, because it matters. It matters to me, you, and it matters to my child, who is watching me, observing me, mimicking my behaviors. Hope everyone has a great rest of their day.